


Mistletoe and Other Such Crimes against Feminism

by sheesusnat



Category: Community
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-21
Updated: 2009-12-21
Packaged: 2017-10-04 22:14:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheesusnat/pseuds/sheesusnat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after episode 1.12, Comparative Religion. Shirley decides another holiday party is in order, and Jeff intends to take advantage of the situation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mistletoe and Other Such Crimes against Feminism

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hikaru](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hikaru/gifts).



It was pretty much a flawless plan, Jeff decided, while standing off to the side of the food table at Shirley's whatever the hell it is winter holiday type party. When the first one was pretty well destroyed after the fight, what with all of them bleeding and him with bad hair and a torn t-shirt, Shirley had decided that _another_ party was in order.

And Jeff was not one to complain, not when she had decorated the room from top to bottom. Especially because despite the multiple-faith decorations, Shirley had still managed to put up some mistletoe. That mistletoe was the reason for Jeff continuing to stand so near the refreshments for the entire night.

Because the plan was to wait until Britta came near the mistletoe, and then Jeff would step forward, and then tradition would take over. It was the perfect plan.

After going through a full bottle of beer and popping open a second, Britta finally walked toward him. As he stepped forward, beneath the mistletoe, she detoured to listen to one of Abed's ridiculous stories. Dammit.

"Oh, look at how cute that is," Shirley cooed, just as Jeff realized who was standing next to him.

"Hell no, hell no. I don't do this. We aren't allowed to kiss dudes either," Troy protested, his expression panicked, and so he fell back on the easiest explanation. "It's against my religion."

"We can't make him do something that would make the baby Jesus cry," Jeff explained, stepping away from the mistletoe. "It's his birthday, and the Bible said that homosexuality is a sin."

Appeased, Shirley turned back to the Nativity scene she had been working on. It appeared that the wise men were no longer following the Star of Bethlehem, instead it was a Menorah on the roof of the manger. And while Mary was holding the baby Jesus, a short Buddah shaped bong was watching with approval. Jeff wondered briefly if someone had slipped something into his drink.

"Hanging out under the mistletoe, Mr. Winger. Are you really that desperate?"

Jeff didn't even have to look to know who that was. However he did look, and he was certain that he would never again forget the sight of Señor Chang dressed head to toe as Santa Claus. He couldn't figure out _why_ he was wearing the red fuzzy coat and the boots, nor why he was even at Greendale in the middle of winter break. Then again, he was still at Greendale, much to his chagrin, so he supposed he had no room to talk.

"I am spending time near the _beverages_, if you must know. The closer I am, the less time I have to waste walking over her to get drunk," he explained, and he shook his head at himself. He wasn't drunk _enough_, if that was his best bullshit line.

"That was really weak, even for you. If you feel you need to hang out near the mistletoe in order to make out with someone tonight, then your looks really are lost on you, and you should donate them to someone else."

"I am no longer paying for the pleasure of your company, Santa Chang, so please brighten someone else's Christmas with your horrifying getup," Jeff finally responded, disgusted with himself for being unable to come up with something more cutting. He blamed it on the lingering effects of getting his ass kicked several days before, whether or not that was true.

Fortunately, right then, Annie walked by, all enthusiastic and manic, cornering Señor Chang and asking if there was any extra credit she could do over the break in order to get a head start on next semester. Jeff briefly considered saving their professor from her assault, but instead he just stood back and watched the carnage. He deserved to deal with every last bit of her neurosis.

"Oh this is nice, Jeff, come and look!" Shirley interrupted, dragging him over to look at her entirely hallucinogenic Nativity scene. The baby Jesus was in the center, with a Kwanzaa kinara setting off to the side with the sheep, one of the wise men carrying a Star of David, Pierce's Buddah bong wearing a Yarmulke and sitting between Mary and Joseph. It took a moment, and then it dawned on him that the floor of the manger was a recently dated Watchtower.

"You didn't include anything from my religion, Shirley," Abed chimed in, appearing from seemingly out of nowhere as he would do quite often. "But that's okay. I'm not going to guilt trip you like your religion does. Mine doesn't do that."

"Oh...that's nice..." Shirley responded, her jaw clenched tightly. "Jeff, do you like it?"

"It's certainly unique, and inclusive. And blasphemous. But hey, it's ChrisKwanzMukkah, so who am I to judge?"

It was clearly time for another beer. Or eight. He sidled his way from the current staredown that Shirley was giving Abed, who was blissfully unaware as he analyzed the various additions to the Manger. "Buddah wouldn't wear a Yarmulke. Joseph could, he was Jewish."

Yeah, definitely time for more alcohol.

As he made his way back toward the refreshments, he bumped into Annie, fresh off accosting Senor Chang with requests for notes and extra credit and God only knew what other weird obsessive compulsive requests. Only he bumped into her beneath the mistletoe sprig.

Fuck. He'd successfully blocked the debate incident out of his mind, therapy had taught him how to compartmentalize problematic feelings and situations. That one had gone into a compartment far behind finals, essays, his hair care products, and what shows he had saved to his DVR.

"There you go, Winger, you got what you wanted!" Señor Chang yelled from across the room. How the hell did he always do that?

"Oh, Annie, so...look, this is a stupid tradition, and neither of us even celebrate Christmas..."

Her face started to fall as he spoke, eyebrows lowering and lips curving into a frown, "Oh God, it was that bad at the debate? You won't even give me the mistletoe kiss? You could just pretend you didn't see it!"

Oh hell, oh fuck, she was going to cry. He could spout up and down how he was immune, but fuck, no, she was getting teary eyed and he was defenseless against it. "Okay, okay, hey, look. Mistletoe!" Jeff smiled his brightest and most excited smile and pointed up. "Look where we ended up!"

Her eyes immediately lit back up, but she then closed them, bent a little at the waist, hands behind her back, and she puckered her lips for him, like a goddamn Precious Moments scene. As if he didn't already feel dirty enough about this.

It was the fastest kiss he could manage without causing her to cry again, and he made sure to do his damnedest to ignore that it _was_ pretty nice. Not as good as at the debate, but good, and fuck, no, shit, he's not thinking about that, because he only did it to keep her from crying.

Appeased, Annie bounced off to guilt someone else with her tears, and Jeff made a beeline for the refreshments table. He grabbed two beers from the bucket of ice, determined to finish both as quickly as he was physically able to. This party hadn't gone according to plan at all.

Finally, halfway through the second beer, Britta started walking toward him again. In anticipation, Jeff took a step forward.

"Britta's not going to kiss you."

"Oh what the _hell_, Abed? How do you even know that was the plan here?"

"Because I know you. You were going to try to get her under the mistletoe. But she's not going to kiss you. She's going to tell you it's a stupid tradition and that it's degrading to women and how they've all been degraded so long by this assumption that if they stand under mistletoe they have to kiss whatever loser comes up to talk to them. And then she might hit you."

Britta passed them, gave a non-committal wave, and grabbed a cookie from the table before Shirley dragged her over to see the bastardized Nativity scene.

And just like that, the moment was gone, the opportunity lost. Abed was probably right.

That didn't stop Jeff from smacking him in the back of the head. "What the hell, she was right _there_, and I missed the chance."

"Oh well, you can try to get her on New Year's Eve."

New Year's Eve, Jeff thought, finishing the last of his beer. That was definitely an option.

His eyes traitorously scanned the room, landing on Annie, sitting at the table with Troy, blatantly flirting with him, while he was completely oblivious to her advances. He rolled his eyes at the scene and turned away, watching Britta instead. Disappointed as he was, he knew Abed was probably right. She'd probably slap him if he tried to kiss her on New Year's Eve too, he was sure that was some male-driven propaganda as well.

And he decided that the risk of being cornered by Annie's sad-eyes wasn't worth it. New Year's Eve was out.

Nope, this was as good as it got. A multi-faith holiday party with a blasphemous manger and Troy wearing silver garland. Somehow it wasn't as bad as it sounded.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that this is everything that you wished for! I did my best to live up to the characters as they're written on the show, hopefully it was even half as witty as the show itself. Merry Christmas! :)


End file.
